Eating My Cake

should i move to france?

i'm watching broken english - a mildly interesting parker posey film.

i always want to like parker, but i don't think that she's actually a very good actress.

regardless, midway through the film, PP bounces off to follow a parisian man, and i'm reminded how much i adore paris, and how much i'm feeling .... plateaued... right now. three years at this job, in this apartment, five years with this cat, 15 years with no significant relationship.  i'm STUCK, damnit !   w t f ?  maybe i should just throw it all away and start fresh. re-invent myself. see who i become when i'm surrounded by cynical, hot, forward parisian women and gorgeous caucasian french men who age horribly, and maybe super hot french vietnamese men who look fantastic til they're 80...

*sigh*.  i hate plateaus. they're so..... flat.

is this why i've been so confused recently?

i'm kinda on the fence about the astrology thing - i'm a stern believer in the non-existence of Fate, but i can totally buy into the notion that different types of energy can affect our moods and dispositions.
so, i generally keep tabs on both the Leo horoscope and the Libra.  i was born in august (Leo), but have a lot of Libra in my chart, as they say (rising and moon).  so i have them both pop up on My Yahoo and consider both to be food for thought.  they occasionally spark worthwhile insights.

recently, i've noticed that the two have been really at odds. Leo will get advice to go out and party like a rockstar, while Libra's being told to hibernate for fear of being overextended.

just today it occurred to me that this might explain some of my swinging from "everything's fine, let's do a craigslist hookup" to "fuck being alone in SF, i'm leaving the country", sometimes twice in the same hour...

hm.....  i gotta get back to my yoga practice.

The phrase "everything happens for a reason" has always bothered me.  I'm one of those stubborn skeptics who proudly proclaim our lack of Faith from the rooftops, and pooh pooh anyone who casually slips in those little "it was meant to be" statements.  In my world, nothing was "meant to be" - there is no puppetmaster or divine providence ensuring that each of us is heading in the "right" direction.  Your life is what you make of it, so stop back-seat driving and take the damn wheel !

Occasionally though, I do find myself tested.  This saturday, I got the distinct feeling of having been, let's say "nudged" into position for an encounter. It's a very odd feeling, and rather disconcerting. Call it a crisis of unfaith.

In brief: i was running errands, on foot and mass-transit, as often happens. I was running a bit ahead of schedule, and was feeling uncharacteristically tired, so i loitered for a bit on a street corner, trying to decide between going home and going to my evening engagement early.

I finally decided to head home, and as I approached the bus stop, who should appear but the HawaiianHippieGypsy, aka The Satyr. We had mutually flaked on an evening together the night before, and i hadn't seen him in person since we had our big Talk about a week prior.

Now, it's true that this is a small town, and it's not uncommon to run into people I know. But something about my fatigue had felt really odd from when it first hit me, and my choice of resting place was also odd (for me). And I've been feeling a lot of internal pressure to figure out how exactly to relate to the Satyr, but I've been very lazy about it.

Makes me think, anyway. My current preferred theory is more along the lines of people 'tugging' on one another in an energetic/spiritual sense, kind of like gravitational fields.

great shocker, no Divorcee last night. he was working late, he was really tired, thought he was coming down with a cold, blah blah; on, but maybe a webcam show later....

such is his usual approach.  so i took the opportunity to mess around with my little webcam and see if i could make it work. several hours and some software upgrades later, just as i was trying to convince Amherst boy to give me a show instead, Divorcee pops up, apologetic and (apparently) feverish to take a raincheck.

now, i'm not hatin on the sick. i've declined invites on more than one occasion because of an illness coming on.  BUT - i do get really frustrated with the folks who can't seem to just say "no, not gonna happen."  or make a damn phone call, or send a text with that little device that i know is always somewhere on your person, and say "hey, i know i kinda said that i might come over, but it's not happening. sorry! talk to you soon..."

*sigh*.  the main problem, of course, is that i'm expecting social graces from a 23 year old, which is just a mistake. 

but i have at least one other friend who does a similar thing all the damn time, and it bugs me!  so cut it out !

oh, and i forgot my office key this morning and had to sit and wait for my coworker to show up...  happy friday!!!

so the 23 yr old hairdresser (ahem. excuse me - "junior stylist") has suggested that he might come by tonight for a "massage". 

no, i'm not a licensed masseuse; barely an amateur :-)

this guy has such a terrible history of flaking out that i'm tempted to leave my house a total shambles and intentionally sit around in a trashy housecoat with a hairnet and half-rolled stockings, a la carol burnett, but that would probably guarantee an appearance, right?

oh well.  this is his game; he's essentially a 40 year-old divorcee, complete with tiny tiny dog and a sebring convertible.  he just happens to be trapped in the body of an 18 year old boy.  thankfully, i'm familiar enough with it to know how it works. lucky for him, i'm still kinda horny from the weekend, so i'm willing to entertain possibilities.....